If you have horses, hold onto them RIGHT NOW

Taco Friday for Friday, June 4th

Yeah I said it. HOLD 'EM.

Guys it's Wednesday and I am telling you about a Friday Taco Friday. I know it's late and I know I'm disappointing you. Guys I know. Allow me to assuage your disappointment, if ever so slightly.

I feel that we've somehow lost the true meaning of Taco Friday in the rush of everyday life. Yes, we don't always get as much sleep as we'd like and sometimes we stop and get fast food instead of a proper meal. We all do it and we chalk these little transgressions up to one-time-only decisions, minor stop signs and traffic signals on the road to a better life. Taco Friday sits itself in the passenger seat, glaring sideways at you and your sinful choices. Whatever it is that you disdain, yet permit, is horrible and anathema. By way of metaphor, think of permitting yourself to fart in a jar, once a week. After a month, you may not even notice the microscopic, aerosol filth particles that coat the jar. After a lifetime, however, your jar technically puts you outside of the protections granted by the the Geneva Convention. This is the most perfect metaphor.

To apply this clownwreck to your everyday life, Taco Friday is the most actual form of entertainment and comradery that exists. Whatever else you decide to do will only, in the long run, fill up your jar with e. coli and waste. Come to this goddamned taco party and drink some goddamned whiskey.

the killer will behead the child/like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone

Taco Friday for Friday, May 21st

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were,
our deaths would not be so sad.

WE DOIN' THIS. Taco Friday is back in action, no themes to slow us down. We will yell at each other, electrocute each other when arguments cannot be resolved via yelling, and punch me when that too fails. Taco Friday is exactly like the comic book hero Batman.

FOLKS I ain't got much to prove but I ain't got much to be proud of. Come to this taco celebration and I will promise that I will do my best to do what I think is best to make you have the best time.

As always, tell me if you are coming because I have no goddamned clue about anything.

"Gorilla Until Proven Human"

"Gorilla Until Proven Human" proved to be one of the most difficult and frustrating party concepts in a while. The name sums it up pretty well: only those who can prove that they are human are recognized as such, while those who either have not or can not prove their humanity are assumed to be gorillas. This idea is taken in whole cloth from the "innocent until proven guilty" precept of the criminal justice system of the United States.

Criteria for one's humanity was not chosen before the party began. A small oversight, but it turns out that this is a tremendously complex qualification with many equally legitimate points of view. In short, what is gorilla to one may be human to another, and vice versa. Small ontological eruptions broke out very quickly; whiskey only fanned these sparks into a roaring flame.

Additionally, there was an unexpected psychological angle that was not even considered until a few folks who did not meet the qualifications for "human" decided that, since they were deemed to be gorillas, they would act as gorillas. Humorous, to be sure, but this caused a schism in the room between confirmed gorillas and confirmed humans. By coincidence or some unknown "gorilla factor," the known-gorillas were possessed of greater-than-average strength and cruelty. The known-humans were subjected to surprise "jungle locks" (simply a choke hold) throughout the night, and every unwatched drink belonging to a human immediately went missing. The hosts eventually instituted a "no grabbing" rule, but many drinks were still compromised in anger.

As the party went into the early morning, an epistemological shock wave moved through the crowd; only humans have the high-level intellect to determine human from non-human! No humans existed at the beginning of the party, according to the premise, "Gorilla Until Proven Human." Therefore, if there are no humans present to do the judging, no judgments could be made. All human/gorilla judgments made earlier in the night were thus invalidated; all present were gorillas. A few who were previously determined to be humans tried in vain to keep their title but were quickly browbeaten by the massive gorilla contingent. It got sad fast. Everyone left feeling worse than they came.

LAST MINUTE THING OKAY

Hey guys hey guys, I re-read what I wrote and I neglected to tell you that you are greatly encouraged to bring unique Manhattan ingredients. Special oranges? Pickled pickles? Who knows.

Who knows.

Taco Friday: The Manhattan Project

Taco Friday for Friday, May 7th



WHO COULD BE SO LUCKY, a themed Taco Friday is here this week! A real theme. I didn't even have much fun at "Gorilla Until Proven Human," either. This theme, "The Manhattan Project," celebrates both the classy, classy drink and one of the most monumental feat of engineering which, through its parents - the corpus of scientific knowledge of humanity and three years of intense international efforts - gave birth to the Trinity bomb, a twenty kiloton baby of explosive death which came screaming into our world on 16 July 1945 at the White Sands Proving Ground in New Mexico.

Despite my strong desire I will not require everyone to read The Making of the Atomic Bomb by Richard Rhodes; I will still require your very personal efforts, though. Instead of colluding to create an atrocity, you will try your durndest to make the best damned Manhattan possible. Your research team? Classic Manhattan recipes. Your laboratory? All of the traditional ingredients and garnishes, plus maybe some funny ones (GOAT DICKS). There can only be one winner, but there can be many drunk drunk people. The recipe for the best Manhattan will be recorded and dubbed "The Taco Friday Manhattan."

Prizes to anyone who dresses as a scientist; double prizes for anyone who dresses as a particular scientist.

RSVP OR I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE COMING OH GOD I HATE YOU

there shall be no peace in the world so long as the angel resists me

Let us, friends, revisit the most recent Taco Fridays. I have fulfilled one of my many obligations and have brought you documentation of our mistakes. Pardon me, your mistakes. I ain't make none.




Just doin' a thing is all. I hope you happy and dry.

BLAST FROM 'DA' PAST

As we have said before, here at Taco Friday we are committed to bringing you the best, every time. There will be no Taco Friday this week, but instead, please enjoy a selection from my personal Goofus and Gallant fanfic archive.

"Good Salesmanship" - Goofus captures rats and sells them to younger children as "puppies." Gallant only sells real puppies, at affordable prices.

"Respect for Family" - Gallant helps his mother with the chores. Goofus sneaks out at night to shove beef suet into the tailpipes of neighborhood cars.

"Keeping Ahead of the Class" - Gallant hands in his homework on time. Goofus only raises his hand in class to speak when he feels that flatulence is coming on. He does not stop talking when he begins to pass gas.

"Your Body is Your Temple" - Gallant stays in bed when he is ill, so that he will get better quickly. Goofus reads medical texts, and then fakes potentially fatal ailments with eerie accuracy.

Taco Friday resumes in several weeks, on Friday, May 7th. Have an idea for Taco Friday? Please do tell. I've gotten bored of typical human interaction and am willing to ... experiment.

boombastic/inelastic/made of plastic/starts to fade but then goes faster

Taco Friday for Friday, APE-ril 16th

Taco Friday is today, my droogs. Since no one has RSVPed, I can only assume that it will just be me, sitting here, eating ten peoples worth of tacos and bourbon, yelling at myself and simultaneously making fun of and promoting my own penis. It's going to be a complicated affair.

JUST KIDDING, KIND OF. If you plan on coming, let me know sort of soon or else I swear to all dead gods that I will gut you just like a scared pig.

a fox shits copper

I'm not going to beat around the bush, people. I've got an announcement. Sit down if you're not already.

I'm sure you're familiar with the Clap-o-meter, if not by name. You may not know that Taco Friday also has a Clap-o-meter of sorts, except that it doesn't measure applause. This peculiar device determines the amount of fun had at one of our functions by the difference in the amount of whiskey in the bottle at the beginning of the night versus the amount the next morning. By overwhelming consensus as determined by this "bourbometer" (bur-BAHM-et-er) there will be back-to-back Taco Fridays. The week of April 12th features a Taco Friday at the same taco place and time, and goddamnit, we are going to have fun.

This post serves as a sort of placeholder. More information/uninhibited sass will follow later in the week.

Tacos Risen

Taco Friday for Friday, April 9th

Last Taco Friday was such a complete success/mess that it's taken me this long to get back into the throne in which I sit to write these dispatches. Thanks to everyone who came, especially the new folks. This throne, by the way, is not a metaphor. Ask Me About My Throne; No, It's Not My Toilet.

This complete exhaustion that sometimes follows Taco Friday reminds me that my friends and companions are like leeches that drain the little precious vitality that I have. You, reader, are like a parasite of the best sort. The liquor that we drink is my blood, which you somehow digest into friendship. If we follow this analogy to its logical conclusion, you use the friendship that you draw from me to spawn your fiendish vampire worm offspring. No, I'm not deleting this paragraph; we're just going to play it fast and loose.

If it's not clear from this, I am inviting you to a Taco Friday this week. This week's affair will be more like the days of yore. Not quite like the days of yore, but basically this means that T.F. will be slightly less elaborate than the more recent days. I'm going to make you tacos, and then, I am going to drink so much that I lie through my liar's teeth. Sorry, or, you're welcome.

Please let me know what up.