In the future, we will all be birthdays

Hello hello. Please note now that the first person will not be used for this post. That would be rude, since we all know that the narrator is an alive dead person. Instead, the lives/deaths of others will be celebrated in this upcoming...

THOU$AND DOLL$R T$CO FRI$$$DAY BIRTHD$Y BA$H

This upcoming Friday, June 14th will mark the first full day in the thirty-first year of life for M.E. Thirty winters and an unquantifiable amount of human suffering later, the egg of her fourth decade hatches in a nest filled with a delicious tableau of Spanish/Spanish-inspired cuisine and scratchers, lots of scratchers. Join her in the joy of living and winning in big with scratchers, scratchers everywhere. To add fuel to the fire of terrible metaphors (?), a special out-of-town guest will visit, she is called Alana and thinks that Bill Cosby has a lot of important things for us to know.

What is a Thou$and Doll$r T$co Fri$$$day? Exactly what it sounds like, if you could pronouce "$." Some say that it's just the sound of an old-school cash register, other say that it's the noise of jingling coins in one's pocket. Either way, you are not allowed not to grow to extreme sizes and expand under the force of your ego in a vacuum, the opposite of a crab (?). It will be glorious and sometimes you just gotta puke, okay? Don't feel bad about it, we'll all be doing it.

It is a thousand times more important that you RSVP now, now more than ever. You will be executed if you do not, that is not a joke or a threat, it is simply true.