I try to keep it that way

Taco Friday for Friday, July 9th



HEEEEEEEEEY

There is going to be a previously unmentioned Taco Friday tomorrow. Guys I'm so sorry that this keeps happening but because of Factors, we have to make Decisions.

I'm not going to lie; it's going to be hot as balls in my apartment tomorrow and I don't have A/C. Punching (consensual only) has been scientifically proven to reduce local entropy, which is realized in reduced temperatures and increased terror. Whiskey and cold, cold wine will be present, featuring old friends and new fears.

(This Taco Friday breaks the rules. -T.N.)

Taco Friday Grab Bag

Taco Friday for Friday, July 2nd

Here at Taco Friday, we receive a lot of correspondence. We'll take this opportunity to answer some of the many questions that come in on a weekly basis. We wish we could answer each one personally, but there are just so many! Please don't let that stop you; we love to hear feedback of any sort.

Why does Adam's pee smell like an elephant pen at the zoo? It's grassy and clean to the extent of piquing curiosity, but ultimately nauseating. -T.N. of Somerville

Thanks, T.N. This smell is caused by a surprisingly large number of urinary tract infections, not diet as many believe. The vast majority of these infections are symbiotic with the others, resulting in a sort of miniature ecosystem in Adam's bladder and urethra. The net result is not especially deleterious, but very strongly scented.

If I was punched at Taco Friday, could I be pregnant? -B.H. of Arlington

Not just could be, B.H., but definitely are! I would recommend giving up alcohol and buying a pair of knitting needles, some yarn, and keeping your fingers busy before the little one arrives. Congratulations.

Will there be a Taco Friday this week? My life is a fucked apart dead thing when I'm not having fun. -Y.T.D. of Somerville

YOU GOT IT, Y.T.D. Taco Friday kicks back off this Friday at the same taco time, same taco place as you've grown to love/tolerate. As always, R.S.V.P. so I know what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Taco Friday hat trick, feat.Jay Pyle

Taco Friday for Friday, June 18th

Word on the street is that your friend and mine, Jay Pyle, will be hosting the last true Taco Friday of the spring (This has been confirmed - ed.). For those of you who may not have met the man, let me give you a questionnaire to determine if Jay Pyle is right for you.

• Do you enjoy tall men?
  
• Are you between the ages of 18-35 and have a family history of Parkinson's disease?
  
• Have you ever killed a rodent or teenager in anger, in jest, or by accident?
  
• Do you enjoy, or are you willing to experiment with, hugs from behind?

If you answered "yes" to at least two of these statements, then all aboard! Jay Pyle should not be handled by pregnant women or women who may become pregnant. Jay Pyle lives at 135 Central St., Apt. #5 in Somerville. In case of emergency or questions, he can be reached via the internet. I recommend that you RSVP directly to Jay, though the Taco Friday Customer Service Team remains perpetually at your service, "a mighty servant who never sleeps."

death is my mother, fear is my father

Taco Friday for Friday, June 11th

HEY HEY HEY

We are in for a double-header; tacos on Friday, AND THEN tacos on Friday. This is to celebrate the arrival of summer and also the departure of grody, grody spring. Things that were horrible about spring: rainpocalyse, the death-blow dealt to the FTC, etc.

It's time for more tacos. Last Friday was a return to yelling and talking about my dick; let's keep a good thing going. Themes are a thing of the past; Taco Friday returns to form. Semi-colons are a return to letting you know that I went to college. Come to this thing, guys.

RUE THE DAY

I try to keep this tacoblog as business-oriented as possible, but because of the gravity of the event I am going to break cadence and post some personal news. It is with great sadness that I inform you that my Transit Connect was struck by the act of a foul god. Its fate hangs in the balance of presumably skilled, presumably union auto mechanics.



Hearts and minds, folks. Hearts and minds.

NVR 4GET

If you have horses, hold onto them RIGHT NOW

Taco Friday for Friday, June 4th

Yeah I said it. HOLD 'EM.

Guys it's Wednesday and I am telling you about a Friday Taco Friday. I know it's late and I know I'm disappointing you. Guys I know. Allow me to assuage your disappointment, if ever so slightly.

I feel that we've somehow lost the true meaning of Taco Friday in the rush of everyday life. Yes, we don't always get as much sleep as we'd like and sometimes we stop and get fast food instead of a proper meal. We all do it and we chalk these little transgressions up to one-time-only decisions, minor stop signs and traffic signals on the road to a better life. Taco Friday sits itself in the passenger seat, glaring sideways at you and your sinful choices. Whatever it is that you disdain, yet permit, is horrible and anathema. By way of metaphor, think of permitting yourself to fart in a jar, once a week. After a month, you may not even notice the microscopic, aerosol filth particles that coat the jar. After a lifetime, however, your jar technically puts you outside of the protections granted by the the Geneva Convention. This is the most perfect metaphor.

To apply this clownwreck to your everyday life, Taco Friday is the most actual form of entertainment and comradery that exists. Whatever else you decide to do will only, in the long run, fill up your jar with e. coli and waste. Come to this goddamned taco party and drink some goddamned whiskey.

the killer will behead the child/like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone

Taco Friday for Friday, May 21st

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were,
our deaths would not be so sad.

WE DOIN' THIS. Taco Friday is back in action, no themes to slow us down. We will yell at each other, electrocute each other when arguments cannot be resolved via yelling, and punch me when that too fails. Taco Friday is exactly like the comic book hero Batman.

FOLKS I ain't got much to prove but I ain't got much to be proud of. Come to this taco celebration and I will promise that I will do my best to do what I think is best to make you have the best time.

As always, tell me if you are coming because I have no goddamned clue about anything.

"Gorilla Until Proven Human"

"Gorilla Until Proven Human" proved to be one of the most difficult and frustrating party concepts in a while. The name sums it up pretty well: only those who can prove that they are human are recognized as such, while those who either have not or can not prove their humanity are assumed to be gorillas. This idea is taken in whole cloth from the "innocent until proven guilty" precept of the criminal justice system of the United States.

Criteria for one's humanity was not chosen before the party began. A small oversight, but it turns out that this is a tremendously complex qualification with many equally legitimate points of view. In short, what is gorilla to one may be human to another, and vice versa. Small ontological eruptions broke out very quickly; whiskey only fanned these sparks into a roaring flame.

Additionally, there was an unexpected psychological angle that was not even considered until a few folks who did not meet the qualifications for "human" decided that, since they were deemed to be gorillas, they would act as gorillas. Humorous, to be sure, but this caused a schism in the room between confirmed gorillas and confirmed humans. By coincidence or some unknown "gorilla factor," the known-gorillas were possessed of greater-than-average strength and cruelty. The known-humans were subjected to surprise "jungle locks" (simply a choke hold) throughout the night, and every unwatched drink belonging to a human immediately went missing. The hosts eventually instituted a "no grabbing" rule, but many drinks were still compromised in anger.

As the party went into the early morning, an epistemological shock wave moved through the crowd; only humans have the high-level intellect to determine human from non-human! No humans existed at the beginning of the party, according to the premise, "Gorilla Until Proven Human." Therefore, if there are no humans present to do the judging, no judgments could be made. All human/gorilla judgments made earlier in the night were thus invalidated; all present were gorillas. A few who were previously determined to be humans tried in vain to keep their title but were quickly browbeaten by the massive gorilla contingent. It got sad fast. Everyone left feeling worse than they came.

LAST MINUTE THING OKAY

Hey guys hey guys, I re-read what I wrote and I neglected to tell you that you are greatly encouraged to bring unique Manhattan ingredients. Special oranges? Pickled pickles? Who knows.

Who knows.

Taco Friday: The Manhattan Project

Taco Friday for Friday, May 7th



WHO COULD BE SO LUCKY, a themed Taco Friday is here this week! A real theme. I didn't even have much fun at "Gorilla Until Proven Human," either. This theme, "The Manhattan Project," celebrates both the classy, classy drink and one of the most monumental feat of engineering which, through its parents - the corpus of scientific knowledge of humanity and three years of intense international efforts - gave birth to the Trinity bomb, a twenty kiloton baby of explosive death which came screaming into our world on 16 July 1945 at the White Sands Proving Ground in New Mexico.

Despite my strong desire I will not require everyone to read The Making of the Atomic Bomb by Richard Rhodes; I will still require your very personal efforts, though. Instead of colluding to create an atrocity, you will try your durndest to make the best damned Manhattan possible. Your research team? Classic Manhattan recipes. Your laboratory? All of the traditional ingredients and garnishes, plus maybe some funny ones (GOAT DICKS). There can only be one winner, but there can be many drunk drunk people. The recipe for the best Manhattan will be recorded and dubbed "The Taco Friday Manhattan."

Prizes to anyone who dresses as a scientist; double prizes for anyone who dresses as a particular scientist.

RSVP OR I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE COMING OH GOD I HATE YOU