I assure you, dear readers, that I am no good. I can't even say that I wanted you to engaged in remotely positive behavio[u]r. I want you to be the worst/best that you can be, raging as an enraged and simply furious tornado of human filth. I want you to express and then dissipate, happily, as fog subliming from an unusual winter day. I want whatever you find at your terrible core to bloom.
We. Are. Reasonable. People. What if you offend me? What if you do me wrong? My forgiveness transcends even your apology. "I forgive you what you did to me; but that you did it to yourself - how would I forgive you that?" Find it in yourself to forgive yourself; that is our maxim. Participant of joy, steady your trembling hands. Taco Friday absorbs your desire and melts it with the desires of others, into the molten mess of our shared experience.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh [Taco Friday] R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
In the absence of light, shadows take the shapes of our memories and fears; your mother towering over you, arms outstretched as you are powerlessly taken into her loving breast; toothed things which hold in laughter as they grab at your ankles; cats whose curled tails brush against your knees and then disappear. It is no small thing, then, that during the long nights your life has been without certainty, devoid of the glowing torch of an ostensibly taco-themed mess.
Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law. I therefore take all responsibility for the suffering and phantom terrors you've experienced in lieu of Taco Friday. Even though I was deaf to your wailing, I am guilty of neglect in the same way that this cat hoarder is.
Penance is in order, not restitution.
In that same vein, expect constant horrible taco thoughts here on THIS VERY BLOG until the next Taco Friday, which will be on Friday, January 21st. There is exactly one Four Loko remaining in my refrigerator and whoever wants it bad enough will get it, and also have to drink the entire thing. It is watermelon flavored.
Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law. I therefore take all responsibility for the suffering and phantom terrors you've experienced in lieu of Taco Friday. Even though I was deaf to your wailing, I am guilty of neglect in the same way that this cat hoarder is.
Penance is in order, not restitution.
In that same vein, expect constant horrible taco thoughts here on THIS VERY BLOG until the next Taco Friday, which will be on Friday, January 21st. There is exactly one Four Loko remaining in my refrigerator and whoever wants it bad enough will get it, and also have to drink the entire thing. It is watermelon flavored.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
There is a balm in Gilead
Taco Friday for Friday, December 3rd
Lo, ye barren and hopeless. In these economic times, no one knows what could be around the next paycheck.
Try as we may, humor only dulls the guillotine of waking. That is why there is bourbon. Come then and "enjoy" an ostensibly taco-themed "party." Whoooo knows what the night will bring. You know the drill. There will be (a) prize(s).
Lo, ye barren and hopeless. In these economic times, no one knows what could be around the next paycheck.
Try as we may, humor only dulls the guillotine of waking. That is why there is bourbon. Come then and "enjoy" an ostensibly taco-themed "party." Whoooo knows what the night will bring. You know the drill. There will be (a) prize(s).
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thank you, you are horrible
As I was going through the pictures from last Friday, I was shocked and upset that none of them were "safe for work." Every single picture that was in focus featured no less than ten square inches of T.N.'s midriff. This story has a silver lining, however (especially for those who want to pay me for pictures of a certain someone's midriff):
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Now you "no"
Taco Friday for Friday, November 12th
Here is a thing, you're welcome. I know it keeps you comin' back for more.
Let's "get down to brass tacks." I know you like getting yelled at, and you know that I can't stop that from happening. It's a win-win situation. Taco Friday is in "full effect" and is going to make you drink muchos bourbons.
Don't bother coming if you aren't going to drink muchos bourbon unless you have a note from your doctor.
Here is a thing, you're welcome. I know it keeps you comin' back for more.
Let's "get down to brass tacks." I know you like getting yelled at, and you know that I can't stop that from happening. It's a win-win situation. Taco Friday is in "full effect" and is going to make you drink muchos bourbons.
Don't bother coming if you aren't going to drink muchos bourbon unless you have a note from your doctor.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
YOUR LIFE IS SMALL
Taco Friday for Friday, October 22nd
Think of the best moments your life has to offer. Think of the times where the glory surged in you and you were singular in that moment, content. Think of how the next day, you felt a catharsis like the melting of ice on top of the river, revealing in small holes the rushing, thoughtless, steel flow. There is indeed a greatness in the world, and you amongst the rabble have personal evidence of it.
Now, think of the times that never again float to the surface. Perhaps you ate a microwaved burrito and watched Two and a Half Men. Maybe you returned a phone call to a friend you dislike in order to avoid appearing unpersonable. When you got home from work and ate some leftovers, then took a nap until 8:30 pm. Though you can't remember these insignificant minutes and hours, you know that that they must have occurred. Whatever the case may be, these are moments not to be considered good. They are, at best, neutral events and at worst are wastes of the small ticks of the one-handed clock that is your life; it only goes around once.
Taco Friday is shining salvation in a sea of wasted time and steps to the grave. Today, right now, you are being presented with the gift of memory and value. Rejection is tantamount to acceptance of failure, normalcy, and loss. Do the right thing.
Also R.S.V.P.S.V.P. ok?
IN MY BUSINESS IT'S GO BIG OR GO HOME.
Think of the best moments your life has to offer. Think of the times where the glory surged in you and you were singular in that moment, content. Think of how the next day, you felt a catharsis like the melting of ice on top of the river, revealing in small holes the rushing, thoughtless, steel flow. There is indeed a greatness in the world, and you amongst the rabble have personal evidence of it.
Now, think of the times that never again float to the surface. Perhaps you ate a microwaved burrito and watched Two and a Half Men. Maybe you returned a phone call to a friend you dislike in order to avoid appearing unpersonable. When you got home from work and ate some leftovers, then took a nap until 8:30 pm. Though you can't remember these insignificant minutes and hours, you know that that they must have occurred. Whatever the case may be, these are moments not to be considered good. They are, at best, neutral events and at worst are wastes of the small ticks of the one-handed clock that is your life; it only goes around once.
Taco Friday is shining salvation in a sea of wasted time and steps to the grave. Today, right now, you are being presented with the gift of memory and value. Rejection is tantamount to acceptance of failure, normalcy, and loss. Do the right thing.
Also R.S.V.P.S.V.P. ok?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
"... I will show you fear in a handful of [tacos]." - T.S. Elliot
Thank you for drinking my booze, eating my tacos, and making my place a stinky mess. My feelings always fluctuate between madness and joy when I see what the hell happened in my kitchen. A chair surrounded by hair. A bloody rag. Whipped cream everywhere. Beers bottles enough to make the homeless salivate. Pokémon everywhere. Somewhere amongst the detritus is the corpse of a good night, but I need to find it before it rots.
As a WAY HEADS UP, there will be a Taco Friday next week on Friday, October 22nd. If you're going to ever attend one T.F. LET THIS BE IT. Out-of-towner and former/current legend D.J. Darlin' Darwin will be here and it will be horrible. It will be so bad and you can't ever say no. Keep that in mind, okay? It will be, as in the new vernacular, "epic."
As a WAY HEADS UP, there will be a Taco Friday next week on Friday, October 22nd. If you're going to ever attend one T.F. LET THIS BE IT. Out-of-towner and former/current legend D.J. Darlin' Darwin will be here and it will be horrible. It will be so bad and you can't ever say no. Keep that in mind, okay? It will be, as in the new vernacular, "epic."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Phantom Of The Taco
Taco Friday for Friday, October 12
Thank you for watching that in its entirety before moving on to the next paragraph. Listen, I don't like you any more than you like me, but it's time we put our differences aside so that, finally, we can have ONE FAMILY THANKSGIVING WITHOUT A BLACK EYE. God. I really do hate your brother-in-law. Have I ever told you that? Ugh. The guy looks like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Two and a Half Men. Gives me the willies.
How about we throw Thanksgiving at our place this year? It'll be so much easier. No traveling, no packing, and everyone has to feel obliged to you. Just make your famous Taco Turkey (a pile of tacos from Taco Bell, affixed with bobby pins to look like a turkey) and everyone will line up at the door for a chance at the drumstick ha ha ha it doesn't have a drumstick; it's made of tacos.
What do you say? The kids will LOVE IT.
Thank you for watching that in its entirety before moving on to the next paragraph. Listen, I don't like you any more than you like me, but it's time we put our differences aside so that, finally, we can have ONE FAMILY THANKSGIVING WITHOUT A BLACK EYE. God. I really do hate your brother-in-law. Have I ever told you that? Ugh. The guy looks like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Two and a Half Men. Gives me the willies.
How about we throw Thanksgiving at our place this year? It'll be so much easier. No traveling, no packing, and everyone has to feel obliged to you. Just make your famous Taco Turkey (a pile of tacos from Taco Bell, affixed with bobby pins to look like a turkey) and everyone will line up at the door for a chance at the drumstick ha ha ha it doesn't have a drumstick; it's made of tacos.
What do you say? The kids will LOVE IT.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Ughhhhh
Again Taco Friday morning. Grey sun offer no warmth. No breath of life. All bird sound like cement pulling by dog on chain. Why dog leash attach cement? Who so cruel? Cruel, cruel teens. This bullshit only happen in New York. City never sleeps? Horrible acts always happen. Teen puke on car, car hit teen. Teen mistakes so banal they happen but always terrible. Sane person gets out of city goes to suburbs, no loud teen pukes in night. Birds sound like birds, no dog torture. Become old, die.
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