MOM.COM

HI KIDS IT'S ME MOM, YOUR MOM. WE NEED TO GO TO TRY ON UNDERWEAR AT JCPENNEY YOUR UNDERWEAR ARE TOO WORN OUT. WE MAY AS WELL GET PICTURES TAKEN AS WELL SINCE GRANDMA IS GOING TO DIE SOON.

WE CAN GO TO CHUCK E. CHEESE AFTERWARDS JUST YOU AND ME.

Into the Heart of Tacos

Taco Friday for Friday, July 30th



WELCOME BACK. It's been too long, friend(s). I crave your company like I crave electrocution and punches (ie, completely). You are hereby cordially invited to spend the evening with me, Asmod "The Miracle" Taco, as well as my merry band of Tacitos.

You know what? The above is the third attempt at an opening paragraph so it's just going to stay DESPITE MISGIVINGS. Taco Friday has been out of commission for two weeks and I'm craving a Taco Friday, so much so that you're getting a four day advance notice. I don't want some sort of limp dick shit, alright? I want you, my friends, to drink bourbon at my expense and contradict me and each other at increasingly high volumes. That's... that's what you want, right? I have no idea.

Let's summarize:

1. Tacos
2. Electrocution
3. No limp dick shit

Okay?

DOG FOOD == DOOF GOD

Just a friendly note that there will, again, sadly be no Taco Friday this week. A month without Taco Fridays is like equivalent to losing a mother (in International Sorrow Units, ISUs), so I can only imagine what it's like for you. There's all the consolation I can muster.



The good stuff happens at 1:09 and 2:10.

leave my butt alone!

For clarity: the last poSt was Not some sOrt of confusing, extremeLy puzzling notice of a Taco FridAy. This week: no Taco Friday. There is no secret message in this post. Do not try to decode it, okay people? RelaX.

And nothing happened.

I present to you a series of images from the Taco Friday "special" archive. Feel free to contemplate them.






Individually profound, each image builds upon the last to create a sort of visual minor chord, pleasing but sad.

I try to keep it that way

Taco Friday for Friday, July 9th



HEEEEEEEEEY

There is going to be a previously unmentioned Taco Friday tomorrow. Guys I'm so sorry that this keeps happening but because of Factors, we have to make Decisions.

I'm not going to lie; it's going to be hot as balls in my apartment tomorrow and I don't have A/C. Punching (consensual only) has been scientifically proven to reduce local entropy, which is realized in reduced temperatures and increased terror. Whiskey and cold, cold wine will be present, featuring old friends and new fears.

(This Taco Friday breaks the rules. -T.N.)

Taco Friday Grab Bag

Taco Friday for Friday, July 2nd

Here at Taco Friday, we receive a lot of correspondence. We'll take this opportunity to answer some of the many questions that come in on a weekly basis. We wish we could answer each one personally, but there are just so many! Please don't let that stop you; we love to hear feedback of any sort.

Why does Adam's pee smell like an elephant pen at the zoo? It's grassy and clean to the extent of piquing curiosity, but ultimately nauseating. -T.N. of Somerville

Thanks, T.N. This smell is caused by a surprisingly large number of urinary tract infections, not diet as many believe. The vast majority of these infections are symbiotic with the others, resulting in a sort of miniature ecosystem in Adam's bladder and urethra. The net result is not especially deleterious, but very strongly scented.

If I was punched at Taco Friday, could I be pregnant? -B.H. of Arlington

Not just could be, B.H., but definitely are! I would recommend giving up alcohol and buying a pair of knitting needles, some yarn, and keeping your fingers busy before the little one arrives. Congratulations.

Will there be a Taco Friday this week? My life is a fucked apart dead thing when I'm not having fun. -Y.T.D. of Somerville

YOU GOT IT, Y.T.D. Taco Friday kicks back off this Friday at the same taco time, same taco place as you've grown to love/tolerate. As always, R.S.V.P. so I know what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Taco Friday hat trick, feat.Jay Pyle

Taco Friday for Friday, June 18th

Word on the street is that your friend and mine, Jay Pyle, will be hosting the last true Taco Friday of the spring (This has been confirmed - ed.). For those of you who may not have met the man, let me give you a questionnaire to determine if Jay Pyle is right for you.

• Do you enjoy tall men?
  
• Are you between the ages of 18-35 and have a family history of Parkinson's disease?
  
• Have you ever killed a rodent or teenager in anger, in jest, or by accident?
  
• Do you enjoy, or are you willing to experiment with, hugs from behind?

If you answered "yes" to at least two of these statements, then all aboard! Jay Pyle should not be handled by pregnant women or women who may become pregnant. Jay Pyle lives at 135 Central St., Apt. #5 in Somerville. In case of emergency or questions, he can be reached via the internet. I recommend that you RSVP directly to Jay, though the Taco Friday Customer Service Team remains perpetually at your service, "a mighty servant who never sleeps."

death is my mother, fear is my father

Taco Friday for Friday, June 11th

HEY HEY HEY

We are in for a double-header; tacos on Friday, AND THEN tacos on Friday. This is to celebrate the arrival of summer and also the departure of grody, grody spring. Things that were horrible about spring: rainpocalyse, the death-blow dealt to the FTC, etc.

It's time for more tacos. Last Friday was a return to yelling and talking about my dick; let's keep a good thing going. Themes are a thing of the past; Taco Friday returns to form. Semi-colons are a return to letting you know that I went to college. Come to this thing, guys.

RUE THE DAY

I try to keep this tacoblog as business-oriented as possible, but because of the gravity of the event I am going to break cadence and post some personal news. It is with great sadness that I inform you that my Transit Connect was struck by the act of a foul god. Its fate hangs in the balance of presumably skilled, presumably union auto mechanics.



Hearts and minds, folks. Hearts and minds.

NVR 4GET