IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIIIME OF THE YEAR

Taco Friday for December 2nd



GET OUT OF TOWN. You have ample time to "get ready for this." Tacos are getting more and more regular just as my digestive rhythm is becoming increasingly unpredictable. Share in the 'fun' of the moment as we discover new ways to deal with unkind G.I. distress.

RSVP, suckas. Email the Taco Friday Customer Service Email Node with any questions.

WHUT WHOA

!!! OOPS !!!

HEY GUYS I FORGOT TO DO A THING. There are tacos, yes. Are there secrets? Also yes. This Is The Deal.

Surprise me.

Tacos: Friday, October 21st

Get ready for disappointment, but in a whole new way. Taco Friday is back, but it will never be the same as you remember it. The time between then and now has somehow become opaque, diffusing the light, making rough edges appear smooth. Was it ever that way? I ain't know, I ain't no damned philosopher.

In reality, Taco Friday was a parade of baroque and blunt jokes about baroque and blunt genitals. It was never fun-- do you know the worst part? Turns out, it was all a dream after all.

Come, then, and try to relive the insanity of your recent past. Maybe Whitey will puke gin and maybe Tom will even "get in trouble," but it will never be the same again.

If you are unfamiliar with where or how to get to tacos at their new location, contact the Taco Friday customer support email node. RSVP or else you don't get to eat.

Taco Friday: the Legend

Taco Friday for Friday, September 9th (nvr4get)



HEY GUESS WHAT. Even though 'state sponsored' Taco Fridays are off 'til further notice, illegal Chinese imitation Taco Fridays are popping up all over the place. You can't even go two Fridays without tripping into one!

That's right: as long as you're not too worried about heavy metal or melamine poisoning, step up to the residence of one J.P. on Friday, September 9th. Your friend and mine lives at 135 Central St., #5 in Somerville and he is not worried about unauthorized brand dilution, not at all.

RSVPing is even more important since your host this week does not even give a single fuck, don't even. Email him and comment to show him you care/are willing to engage in tacos near him.

D:

WE OUT. State-sponsored Taco Fridays are now officially on hiatus until further notice. Find meaning elsewhere, such as:

• under your bed, eating Skittles
• etc.

An ostensibly taco-themed gathering, featuring bourbon

Friends, Somervillians, greater Boston area residents, lend me your ears; I come to bury Taco Friday, not praise it.




HAHA SIKE, sort of. I hella come to praise it, but the day of Taco Friday is already lit by a dying sun. The final Taco Friday to take place in Somerville - under my watch, at least - is coming and coming soon. Mark your calendars for Friday, August 12th. Bring out your black suits and veils. Spare no expense on lilies and white roses.

How you do celebrate the death of an event which is primarily about celebrating that we are living dead things? It gets a little foggy, so we can never really be sure, but if I were a gambling man I would bet on drinking so much bourbon that you can't stop lying.

A new day of Taco Friday will dawn [Likely in September, for those who can't deal with uncertainties. Looking at you, T.N. - ed]. The pale blue cast of dawn will illuminate the mussed hair of whatever mistake is sleeping next to you, and you will be presented with brand new decisions to make. This will be one hell of a fiasco, so don't miss it. RSVP.

Taco Friday Lost and Found

If you left a shoebox filled with several wigs (including one "Caribbean Pirate Wig") and a DIY black and white striped t-shirt, plus a bag filled with face paint, come and pick it up. This is exactly the sort of thing that I do not need in my apartment.

Brian is Dead [NSFW]

Taco Friday for Friday, July 8th

B.W. (or as he is know to friends, "B. Walk") is not long for this world. As all True Americans know, nothing exists outside the borders of our great nation except for jihad-fueled migrant workers who want to buy our national debt. Our friend will be leaving us to join the huddled masses and the wretched refuse, so how else to send him off except by having first world problems? Severe first world problems.

Come, friends, and say goodbye to B. Walk. If you don't know or dislike him, come anyway and metaphorically pee on his grave. For those of you who are unfamiliar, B. Walk has survived three generations of Taco Fridays, a feat only boasted by very few others. We will celebrate this by tying together threads from each generation:

1. A mixed punch ideally suited for tacos
2. A love of physical violence
3. Halfway decent food

You know the rest of the drill. RSVP or else you can suck a mad donkey dick. Oh, and why not:

Taco Friday: J.B.'s 25th Birthday Edition / Revenge of the Droids

Taco Friday for Friday, June 3rd




What does J.B.'s 25th birthday party / Taco Friday extravaganza and the 2011 Star Wars Celebration have in common? You're nearly guaranteed to lose your AT-ST virginity and end up feeling conflicted about it. At the same taco time and same taco place, we will witness the miracle of a girl becoming a woman. Come and see your friend emerge from her chrysalis while standing next to people who probably harbor a strong grudge against you.

What makes this Taco Friday special? You will:

• Absolutely have to make a lot of mistakes because it is scientifically impossible for you to be a good friend while you are not
• Realize how unimportant you are, both in the very immediate and very universal contexts
• Experience how good gluten-free can be in a safe, taco environment

As always, contact the Taco Friday Customer Satisfaction Email Node with any questions. RSVP somehow or I will show you both the door and the hose when you arrive.

* Taco Friday occasionally gives you the opportunity to win prizes in conjunction with our semi-weekly ostensibly taco-themed party. A birthday is not necessary, but it is appreciated. Taco Friday employees and associated entities are not allowed to enter the drawing.

Taco Friday: Away Game Edition

Taco Friday for Friday, May 20th

Our good friend, J.P., will be hosting his third Taco Friday away game, attaining the first hat trick of this sort. GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

For those of you who crave regularity, do not be afraid. Expect bad things to happen, but this time they will be nearer to parakeet than before. Mr. P. lives at 135 Central St., Apt. #5 in Somerville. Same taco time, however. Members of the Tribe, be warned that the meal will not be treif as it will contain hyrax.

Any questions can be sent to the traditional Taco Friday Customer Inquiry Node. Accept no substitutes.

Make new friends,/ but keep the old./ One is silver,/ your mother is a used up/ dead thing.

Taco Friday for Friday, May 7th


The time for excuses is over, ladies and people of the internet, and a new sun for bourbon and bocce rises. As promised, the most illegal Taco Friday of all time is to take place this week at the same taco time, same taco place. There will be - go figure - prizes; wonderful, horrible prizes that you can give to your mother for Mother's Day. Expired canned seafood will show your mom that you care.

What makes it so illegal? You name it: extrajudicial killings, money laundering, selling human organs on eBay. I don't even know anymore. Just come to this goddamned taco party and RSVP if you're going to come. God damnit.

I'm sorry :(:(:(:(:(

This is hard for me to say, so I'm just going to put it forward; I'd like to apologize for my behavior last night. I was feeling unexpectedly under the weather last night as may have been obvious by my nagging horse cough and conspicuously few dick jokes. I'm sorry you had to see this.

There having been a dearth of Taco Fridays in the past month, I know what you're thinking. "What's this shit? I expected to at least get threatened to get punched or at least have have worldview challenged as 'hypocritical, dangerous, and child-like.'" I understand. Again, I am truley sorry for your lots.

The next Taco Friday will be the most illegal to date. Let's get things back on track.

Seven AM wakin' up in the morning gotta be fresh

Taco Friday for Friday, April 8th

It's been a while. How have you been? Sit down, take the comfortable chair by the fire. No, no, don't get up. Would you like a drink? Here, let me show you something.


Life has not magically gotten any better since we've last met; your fears still nag at your beating heart and the warming spring air only fills you with anxiety rather than relief. Nothing has changed and you are no exception. Your only reprieve remains tacos and the dread fear of a dead or uncaring god.

Same taco time, same taco place. Rejoice in the glow a 7:00 pm setting sun and tacos, also bourbon. Bad prizes can be yours if you only somehow win a contest. If you don't RSVP and yet show up I will somehow draw blood from you by the end of the night.

R.I.P. the electrocution game

Dear friends, it is with heavy heart and great sorrow that I announce that the electrocution game is no longer amongst us. It's in a better place now (tradition insists that I say this; no place is better than wherever Taco Friday occurs).

Beloved by many, and hated by those who think it was "too scary," the electrocution game was born in a nameless factory in China, assembled by equally nameless workers. Through humanitarian intervention by J.P., it was brought here to Somerville, where it lived its life making our own more exciting. It is survived by all those who still do not have full sensation in their hands. Services will be held some Friday in the future. In lieu of flowers, donations in its name can be sent to DOGPAC, a political fund established to lobby for the promotion of dog AIDS.

Amen.

Taco Friday lost and found

Again, I found various possessions following a Taco Friday that will be joined in a civil union with urine if not claimed. They include:

1. A thin gray sweater, presumably belonging to a woman
2. A black knit scarf, presumably belonging to a woman

CLAIM THESE ITEMS if they are yours. Otherwise, urine.

Taco Friday GUEST STARS pt. 2

Taco Friday for Friday, February 25th



This Friday marks the second in a series of two (2) GUEST STAR Taco Fridays. On the docket is your friend and mine, the most powerful social media game mogul known to man, DJ DarLin' Darwin. Who is this mysterious plutarch? Please see the below condensed corpus vitae.

• B.S., Cornell '05
• Adept practitioner of NLP
  
• Enjoys a long horse

Come have a bad time as this miracle dons a chef's hat and has KITCHEN DUELS with yours truly. Bourbon is strictly enforced. Same time, place, don't ever RSVP until the last second, etc.

Taco Friday GUEST STARS

Taco Friday for Friday, February 18th



YOU ASKED FOR IT, and boy did you get it (nothing). This Friday marks the first of two consecutive Taco Fridays featuring special guests. For whatever reason other people "wanted" to "come" to "Taco Friday." Do your best to show them the kind of welcome that you would like to be shown (urine), or better yet, drink a Four Loko with them and yell and cry and feel bad and get punched.

RSVP or else I will have to resort to evites.

Taco Friday lost and found

The management has found the following items upon morning cleanup and encourages you to claim your lost possessions. Items not claimed within seven days will somehow be used in conjunction with urine.

1. Tupperware container with red lid
2. Security access badge, presumably with access to a pharmaceutical company
3. The shame of a lost generation (claimed)
   
4. Three headbands fashioned from red warning tape reading "DANGER PELIGRO" (claimed)

ALSO FOUND:

1. A bag of groceries, including parsnips (added 18:50:01) (claimed)
   
2. A black knitted hat (added 18:50:22)

Thank you,
TFMGMT

WE DOIN' THIS

Taco Friday for Friday, February 4th

The fake votes are in: your opinions don't matter and I am going to do whatever I wanted to do anyway. The winner is...

BOURBON

Yes, the next Taco Effin' Freitag is going to be bourbon, but get this. In food. Bourbon shrimp tacos, with a sidebar of pinto beans featuring white wine for those who can engage in neither bourbon nor shrimp. Any detractors who want to dress up nice can either a) dress up nice anyway or b) wait 'til the next affair. We doin' this (see title), and we doin' this right. In case you have never seen a shrimp before:



YUMMERS. Bring your "S" game. Your life is small, your loves are false, etc.

YOU CAN WIN IT @LL CLICK HERE

FINALLY, here is YOUR CHANCE to WIN IT ALL and FINALLY be an adult in YOUR PARENTS EYES and also become SUPREMELY ATTRACTIVE to the GENDER(s) of your PREFERENCE. It is not hyperbola to say that this is the most important decision you will ever make in your "nasty, brutish, and short" life. Would you like to.... decide what theme or food type will be served at the next installment of your favorite taco-themed Friday social gathering?

If you thought that old shrimp and movie-to-children's book adaptations of the Home Alone series were rewards beyond measure, then your expectations are perfectly in line with reality. This prize is different, however, in that you finally get to make a difference in your world in the smallest way. Yesterday, your meek flame could have expired with only a tax record and parking tickets to prove you even existed. Tomorrow, you could have changed the consumptive pattern of at least four people. You will know power.

Decisions will be rendered in a totally arbitrary and opaque process which requires no input from anyone else. Bribes will not be accepted except when they are.

horrible taco thoughts [II]

Yes, dear reader, we sit on the very cusp of a "Taco Friday for the ages." In mere minutes it will begin and you will have all of your dreams fulfilled. Yet have you ever considered what Taco Friday means to you? Or for that matter, what Taco Friday really means? If you haven't, you are probably a bad person and a worse friend. I hope you go to jail.

Taco Friday's central idea is the elimination of fear. This is simple enough, but consider the implications as fear is the polar opposite of love. As we batter down that part of us that winces at challenge or that will make another trip to the store rather than ask that stranger if they could move so we could get that damned can of beans, we genuinely feel greater love. All you have to do is say "yes."

That is not the end, that is not the end at all. There are many fears and we oppose them all. Fear of conflict, fear of cats, fear of a lack of cats, fear of tiny holes. I would continue, but I have to go and make taco for y'all jerks.

PEACE OUT

horrible taco thoughts [I]

I assure you, dear readers, that I am no good. I can't even say that I wanted you to engaged in remotely positive behavio[u]r. I want you to be the worst/best that you can be, raging as an enraged and simply furious tornado of human filth. I want you to express and then dissipate, happily, as fog subliming from an unusual winter day. I want whatever you find at your terrible core to bloom.

We. Are. Reasonable. People. What if you offend me? What if you do me wrong? My forgiveness transcends even your apology. "I forgive you what you did to me; but that you did it to yourself - how would I forgive you that?" Find it in yourself to forgive yourself; that is our maxim. Participant of joy, steady your trembling hands. Taco Friday absorbs your desire and melts it with the desires of others, into the molten mess of our shared experience.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh [Taco Friday] R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

In the absence of light, shadows take the shapes of our memories and fears; your mother towering over you, arms outstretched as you are powerlessly taken into her loving breast; toothed things which hold in laughter as they grab at your ankles; cats whose curled tails brush against your knees and then disappear. It is no small thing, then, that during the long nights your life has been without certainty, devoid of the glowing torch of an ostensibly taco-themed mess.

Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law. I therefore take all responsibility for the suffering and phantom terrors you've experienced in lieu of Taco Friday. Even though I was deaf to your wailing, I am guilty of neglect in the same way that this cat hoarder is.

Penance is in order, not restitution.

In that same vein, expect constant horrible taco thoughts here on THIS VERY BLOG until the next Taco Friday, which will be on Friday, January 21st. There is exactly one Four Loko remaining in my refrigerator and whoever wants it bad enough will get it, and also have to drink the entire thing. It is watermelon flavored.